This Post Doesn't Really Pertain To Hair, But Oh Fucking Well!

  Why am I blogging at 12:30 AM on a Saturday night/Sunday morning?  Well it all started with the idiot that built my house.  Didn't caulk any edges around the bath tub, didn't finish any of the knotty pine wood walls in my bathroom, and a whole plethora of other stupid things that basically rotted my bathroom over time.  Yum.  So, your favorite barberess has turned home-improvement-dipshit for the weekend.  I've been sanding, pulling away rotted wood, priming, painting, caulking, chain-smoking (I don't smoke, by the way.  I get grossed out by people who do), snorting DND coffee, and sucking down adult beverages.

  While I was priming with B-I-N (shellac based, LETHAL stuff) my brush stiffened up and split like an old cigar stub!  Decided to soak that one in paint thinner, tried another one, SAME GODDAMN THING!  My mom hooked me up with some high quality brushes, they shouldn't be crapping out on me. Several soakings and cleanings later, the brushes are still splitting like Bobby and Whitney... Ike and Tina... Sienna and Jude... you get the picture.

  I'm racking my brain.  Brush bristles are made of the same protein as hair, if they're the quality ones.  Vinegar is a great at-home remedy to smooth and calm the cuticle of hair, so why not brushes?  I put a saucepan on the stove, add some water, vinegar, and baking soda.  I boil the brushes, softly stirring them.  Alternating that and a few cold water rinses to get excess primer out, my brushes are soft and good as new. Took me 10 minutes.  Here's the recipe.  If you're a DIY dipshit like me because you're too fucking cheap and broke to hire a pro, I swear it will come in handy.

1.5 cups water
1.5 cups white vinegar
a shit ton of baking soda

boil for a few, cold water rinse, boil for a few, cold water rinse til the brush looks new again.  
You're fucking welcome.

Hairodynamics Of A Successful Haircut

  When you gotsta look fresh to death, a haircut is necessary.  How many times have you walked into a barbershop or salon with an idea in your head of what you want and then walked out with something totally different?  We as stylists never want to give you a haircut you dislike, but you start throwing around haircut jargon and hair gestures and then we are left to decipher.  Sometimes I feel more like a psychic than a barber. I often try to read the mind/personality/lifestyle instead of decoding; I am not fluent in the language whatthefuckareyoutryingtosayish, sorry.

 My personal favorite? "I just want my hair to do this {hand gesture} in the morning."  Shit baffles me every time.  It's the equivalent of going to a dingy Pizza Hut and saying, "Uh, ya, Hi, I'll have a pie with stuff on it." and making a hand gesture that you think looks like a pepperoni.  Could be a meatball.  A mushroom, perhaps.  Oh, but you meant sausage. Totally should have known you love sausages coming in here dressed like a fruit booter.

   Short, long, tapered, layered, faded, high-and-tight, angled...  all mean different things to different people.  Even among stylists.  Avoid these terms all together.  They can get lost in translation.  You come in my chair and say, "I'll have a high and tight," and I'ma make you ready for Parris Island.  Trust.  If I skin it any tighter, you'll see blood, possibly cranium.  Yet, you go see the luscious-hot girl who works at the trendy salon downtown and you ask her for that, you'll come out looking like David Beckham.  Here is a guide to a successful haircut. No matter where you go for your hairscaping needs.

1) Bring a motherfucking picture.   Motherfucking is added for extra emphasis.   Swears work wonders for catching one's attention.  What was I talking about again?  Oh, yeah, the picture.  MOST IMPORTANT.  You all have cameras on your mobile devices, take a fucking picture when you get a good haircut and lock that shit so you don't accidentally delete it.  Or take a pic of your friend's haircut.  Or a celeb's hairstyle on the computer.  Whatever's clever.  Just bring a picture of what you want.

  
  Why?  Because all of us stylists are visual. Precisely why we aren't lawyers, doctors, or fucking physicists.  We make shit look like other shit.  Sometimes we come up with new shit, but our new shit looks like other shit anyhow.  We need to SEE what kind of shit you want.  You want the "Posh Spice"?  Which one?  She's had like 3758937529 hairstyles since last Tuesday.



2) When in doubt, ask for an opinion. Will  Keith Urban hair look like a mullet? Do you think I'd look good with bangs?  Do I have enough hair for this hairstyle?  Ask us anything.  We are a bank of style knowledge. We'll tell you that you'll look gay with those highlights.  We'll tell you that if you cut your hair like Meg Ryan, you'll look more like Kelly Osbourne 4 years ago.  All you have to do is ask.  We aren't going to tell you these things unless you ask. 


3) If you think we are doing it wrong, stop us.  No one likes to be told how to do their job, but it's YOUR hair.  If we are doing something that doesn't seem quite right, tell us.  Don't be afraid to offend us.  Yes, we have scissors, but I swear we don't bite.  Maybe we misinterpreted something.  Or maybe we are doing it different than the last chick.  It's worth it to stop us so we can correct what we are/aren't doing or at least explain  what we are doing to your hair and how it correlates to the desired result.  Don't be scared or shy.

4) Once someone gets it right, stick with 'em. Kind of like how I will only eat burritos from Chipotle.  They make them so good, I will never stray.  Same idea with the girl who cuts my hair (sorry, Steph.  I think I just compared you to a burrito.)  I see her and her only!  She knows exactly how I like it. When I want to switch it up a bit, she knows what will work with my lifestyle/ hair type.  Once you get in a groove with someone, you can bypass all these damn rules and live happily ever after.  Like Cinderella.  Or me.  The end.

How To: Hit On Your Stylist

  A little history on my career: I work in a military barbershop.  About 99.9%  of my clientele are male.  I'd like to think of myself as pretty learn-ed on monkey lines and body languages because of this experience.  Even while wearing a wedding ring, it still happens to me.  Although it's flattering, I usually am also cringing at the poorly executed deliverance.  I'd like to give a little guidance to you loyal male customers on how to woo your stylist. Or atleast not look like a desperate douchebag.

  First and foremost, I want you to look down at the skin on your hand.  Is it tan or brown?  Do your ancestors hail from the great continent of Africa?  How about Mexico?  Dominican Republic? Haiti? Are you a freakin' Puerto Rican? If not, you already have a strike against you.  Most of us freaky bitches behind the chair love men of color.  However stereotypical it may sound, it's the truth.

  Next, sniff your underarm.  Did you put on deodorant this morning?  Perhaps some cologne?  Good.  Did you wash behind your ears?  Clean them with a q-tip?  Yes, we notice your true hygeine habits when cutting your hair.  We aren't going to date/bang any sloptart that sits in out chair. Sometimes the guys that drive the nicest cars, have the best jobs, and are the best looking have the GROSSEST ear area.   I am literally gagging while trimming around those ears.  yechkk.  Gagging now.

  Now, does your stylist have a husband?  Fiance?  Boyfriend?  DO NOT HIT ON HER.  I mean, you can tell her she looks nice, you like that top on her, she reminds you of Vanessa Hudgens, whatever.  Compliments are ok, requesting dates, suggesting sex, or just generally being skeazy is NOT.

  The best way to go about this (if you're ready) is to compliment her. Compliment her on something she least expects.  Maybe her eyes, her hair, or her voice.  Complimenting her on her bangin' physique, her chesticular region, or her junk in the trunk is NOT a good idea.  Here are some terrible lines I've gotten before:

"Your hair is nice.  It's like the color of chocolate milk."
"You're top heavy.  I like that."
"You smell like cookies."
"What's your sign?  Leo?  You ain't Lion (lyin)"
"Touch my bicep.  I waterski barefoot."
"I make a six figure salary."

Don't brag about yourself.  Major turn off and just generally annoying.  Besides, it's not about you, it's about HER.  Remember that.

  Next, leave you card or just a paper with your number on it after you pay for your cut.  Make sure you tip her well.  Don't be stingy.  Tell her you'd love to hear from her.  Then exit promptly.

  If you are too much of a pussy to follow the steps above, sending flowers with a number after you get a cut that same day is ok too.  Even the next day.  Just don't wait too long after, because she may not remember you.


 See, easy as easy mac!  Now, here are the denials that may occur:

1) You are ignored. Don't take it personal. You can still go to her for haircuts.  I guarantee you are not the first one she's turned down  and you won't be the last.  Let it go.

2) "I don't date clients."  She's LYING.  Typically, dating the clients is frowned upon.  However, if one strikes us as a worthy partner, we break this rule. The translation? "I'm not interested."

3) "I'm seeing someone." She may or may not be lying.  Doesn't matter.  Not ganna happen.

Good luck, men.  You have good taste.  Hairdressers might be a little crazy in the head, but we have big hearts, great conversation, and we keep ourselves lookin' fly.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION

 We all have them.  Who are you kidding.  You ain't perfect; there must be something lots of things you could improve.  For me, obv it's all about the hair.  My resolutions are:
1) to take better care of my hair... and
2) not be such a color whore.

   By taking better care of my hair, I mean not taking scalding heat to it any more than once a week with the flat iron or curling iron.
  And by not being a color whore, I mean keeping my strawberry blonde color for a WHOLE ENTIRE year.  That will be the hardest one of all because I love new colors like Paris H. loves the cock.  I go into the distributor and come out with a handful of new colors like Mo'nique goes into a Cumby's and comes out with twinkies and ho-hos.  It's a sick, sad addiction.  I hope you, the readers, can be my voice of reason if I try to stray.  I need to stay on track.  I am counting on YOU to give me a slap crost ma lips via nasty comments on here if I even MENTION changing colors.  Yeah, I mean YOU.  Happy New year, kids.

Oh yea the Blog....

Hey there Tressers!

So after a long week of vacations, holidays, and a new year we are back with a new round of Random!
ok so seeing as you missed it ill get right to it and get back on it tomorrow.

Fact: When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate; they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
Looks like there is a thin line between love and hate

Late!
Mikey D

Hair Nets: Not Just For Lunch Ladies

  As my hair gets longer, I have different struggles with it and need to come up with different solutions.  One of the biggest problems I've encountered is sleeping with long hair.  If I wear my hair down to sleep, it gets all tangled and makes my neck and back break out.  If I wear it up in a ponytail to sleep, I get a kink in it from the elastic.  Even if I do a bun.  Then I end up needing to iron out the kink with a curling or flat iron.

 I remember back to wearing braids, back in my Bo Derek days, I had to wear a stretchy silk scarf to bed to keep my braids intact.  I went down to my Sally Beauty Supply to find something similar.  I wanted something that was loose enough to keep my big-barreled waves all night, not so tight that they flattened out.  The store clerk recommended this:

  I tucked all my hair up inside this surprisingly sturdy net to get my lunch lady on.  My husband even said it didn't look "that bad."  It was so comfortable, I forgot I was wearing it before I even fell asleep.  It kept my hair off my back, neck, and face all night, even through my incessant tossing and turning.  I took the net off this morning, brushed my bangs forward, and voila! My perfect big curls from my rollers were still perfect.

Now, why the hell didn't someone tell me how badly I need to touch up my highlights in the back?  Guess I should look back there more often....

  But yes, I am hooked.  This is a perfect way to keep your blow-out for days.  $2.50 at your local Sally Beauty Supply for a sturdy, handmade net of goodness.  

Let's go Greyhound

Yes there is a pole in my kitchen, not its not for strippers, if for Festivus! Happy Festivus everyone! Now on this joyous day many of you will have "the airing of grievances" and one may be your fear of flying during the holidays. The "what if the plane goes down" fear, well don't fear the plane, FEAR THE DONKEY!

FACT:More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes!

I'm off for some Festivus "feats of strength" like killing the leg press at planet fitness

Festivus for the rest of us
Mikey D

I'll have mine with a pulse!

Happy Hump Day folks!

Tis the season for office parties, family get togethers, or just heading out to dinner with friends to celebate another year done and over. I had mine last night and over heard a woman ordering a steak and she demanded it be over done on purpose cuz she said "The under done parts will get you sick, I don't care how good your stomach is!" Well lady that might work for you now but watch out cuz.....

FACT!: A well done steak, especially if it has "charred" portions, contains much higher levels of carcinogens than a medium or rare steak!

Think I'll have the chicken.

Mikey D

Holiday Hair

Mouse-eared hairdo. Check.  A dress that shows more boob than my VS Miraculous Bra?  Check.  Earrings that look like your earlobe is shitting out an alien?  Check.  Come on people, this season celebrates the birth of Jesus.  For Christ's sake, put some damn clothes on, get your hair styled nicely, and avoid any jewelry that looks like.. well, that ear crap up there.  Cheryl Cole, from Britain's X factor,  Minnie Mouse called!  She wants her look back.

Here is some festive hair that is done right.

I have created a guidline to party hair to help you get through this season with no bad hair days/nights.

1) Shine, shine, SHINE!  Always make sure your tresses have some shine and reflect light.  For blonde/fair hair girls, I like Paul Mitchell Super Skinny Serum- also great for static hair!  For redheds and brunettes, I like Bed Head Brunette Goddess Spray.  It has copper/gold flecks that make your hair glisten like tinsel on a tree.

2) Hold, hold, HOLD!  Why spend all that time on your hair and not have a secret weapon to help it keep shape?  I like to use hairspray BEFORE and AFTER I curl, whether with rollers or an iron.  For holiday hold. I love Bed Head Masterpiece.  I prefer an aerosol for these types of style, and this spray has the best hold and the best shine!

3) Sparkle!  Pick up an accessory for your hair or a piece of costume jewelry that catches your eye.  I love hair combs like the one above.  They are the perfect touch for boring hair, long or short.  And they never go out of style!
  Always remember, your hair is your best accessory; Unless you have big cannons. Even still, you should make your hair look nice.

What happened to Monday?

Ok two quick facts cuz it's the week of Christmas (yea I said it CHRISTMAS! not holiday week!) and if you're like me you got stuff to get to and don't have time for my rambling....

FACT 1: In the year 1998 more fast food employees were murdered on the job than police officers. see what happens when you make hungry people wait, things can get ugly

FACT 2: There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. you figure out all the ways and by the time you're done I'll be back with a new fact or 2

Kids Are Smarter Than Grown Ups

Helloooo!?  Using hand dryers in public restroom as a hair dryer?  Effing genius.  I will utilize this precious knowledge if I:

A) am ever homeless and need to wash my hair in the sink at the Burger King rest area off I-95
B) ever get puke in my hair again after sailing too hard with the Captain in the old port.

Thanks to my girlfriend, Jamie, for sharing her child's genius discovery with the world. Innovator!

Before There Were Gift Cards...

 Back in the good old days before you had to type a stupid code to get free shipping.  Before you had to lug around a purse the size of an Olsen twin for all your goddamn shaw's cards and shit.
 Back then, your mailman had to be a former UFC fighter so that he could carry and deliver the dozens of Bible-sized catologs to your hizouse. Then you tipped him and wished him a MERRY CHRISTMAS, none of that PC 'happy holidays' bullshit. Back then, there were INFOMERCIALS on every commercial break.  Remember that?  Chances are, your Christmas wish list included something you had to be 18 years old to purchase over the phone. The coolest merchandise was sold primarily over the television.

Let's reminisce for a few moments.  Take some time to think about some of man's greatest hair-related innovations. Stuff you may have received Christmas' past. Probably purchased by C.O.D.

Top Coverage    The holiday favorite of bald Dads all across North America.  This product is still on the market and has a FIVE-STAR rating on Amazon.com. Who needs that Hair Club For Men or expensive toupees?  Just spray and go. My kind of shit right here.  Does this also cover white trash roots?  Shame it doesn't come in a strawberry blonde color..

Topsy Tail
 Hands down, best invention ever.  There is no other tool in the world that can take a plain jane ponytail and turn it into a fabulous hairdo that looks like an ass-crack.  Every girl in the world had one. I loved looking through the little book of hairstyles that came with it.  I rocked every one of 'em.  Actually, I still own my Topsy Tail and still use it. 

See photographic evidence above- taken today.





Wahl Doodle Clipper 

 A battery-operated clipper that looks/sounds like a glow in the dark dildo and can cut designs into your hair.  The blade is shaped like a unicorn, very user friendly.  Perfect for doing lazer lines, shaving a part into your hair, or even trimming around your rat-tail.  Silly old me is shaving designs into my client's head with a traditional clipper.  Shit would have been way easier with big yellow up there.  I might buy one. And yes, they still make these.  God bless Amazon.com!

The Flowbee 

A dual purpose machine well worth the 100 bucks it costs.  Not only does it cut hair, but it sucks demons out of children.  See photo above.  I kind of use on of these at the barbershop.  I have a vacuum attached to my Oster clipper.  But let me tell you, that precise haircut claim on the Flowbee box is bogus.  If you don't know what you are doing, you'll cut moles off people's heads and they'll bleed everywhere like a Rob Zombie movie. True story.

And lastly, the most recent Infomercial phenomenon is the Bump-It.  Pin-up-girl hair in 5 minutes or less without needing 4 cans of aqua net.  I think many a teenage daughter received one of these for Christmas last year... along with Dunkin Donuts gift cards and UGG boots. 

 I don't know about you, but my big hair goes flat after I drink a bit.  It also goes flat after a few minutes chasing my kids around.  Maybe I need a BUMP-IT too, cuz Amy Winehouse's hair is still as big as Star Jones' old ass, and she's drinking PLUS taking care of a baby.  Good advertising right there.

Double your pleasure....

Hey Tressedville!

Here we go with another round of random! Now the Friday freak fest with our friend from Japan isn't over yet, and just for fun we're gonna bring China into this also, a lil twofer!

Fact #1 There are 25,000 love hotels in Japan, generating a staggering 4 trillion yen in revenues per year!
Fact #2 80% of all sex toy are made in China

On that note I'm off to find my plane ticket to Tokyo and Bejing
See ya'll Monday

Say Hi to the new kid!

Ah yes, let the bald kid onto the hair blog. Now on here you get great hair tips from Deanna, color, style, an occasional verbal haymaker to the ridiculous starlets of Hollywood, which by the way i take great pleasure in reading especially the wookie, i mean Kardshian curb stomp earlier. No I'm not here for any of that, I'm merely here to bring you a quick shot of randomness to get your day off to a fun or thought provoking day. Just think of me and your shot of Jack to go with your coffee.

Day 1!

Now we all know of Japan as "The land of the rising sun!"  Well the only thing they're raising over there is their freak flags, and oh man are they letting those things fly!
FACT: In Japan you can buy batteries, beer, wine, condoms, cigarettes, comic books, hot dogs, light bulbs, and used women's underwear from......wait for it.....vending machines!

Not much to say after that one, till tomorrow people

Holiday Tip: Hairspray IS Flammable. Trust.

    This would be P. Diddy's hotel party where a model's hair caught on fire.  Freshly-styled holiday party hair and candles do not go hand in hand.  You need to pick one or the other. Unless you plan on feeding the fire department.  Happy Holidays from Best Tressed.

Merry Fucking Christmas, Ya Gorilla!

  As the sole member of my family still actively in the hair/image industry, I have been known to put hair products under the tree.  I especially like to give shampoo, not because my relatives are greasy, but because it is something everyone uses.  I have a cousin who is a dental hygeinist and has given out cool little flosser thingies before.  Great idea too because everyone flosses (or if you don't floss your breath smells like hot rubbish, so you damn well should.)

  Well, leave to Kim Kardashian to cross the line.  She will be giving out laser hair removal kits for Christmas.  Nothing says Merry Christmas like a gift that insinuates that you look like a hairy gorilla.  Or in Khloe's case, Big Foot.

 I think of Kim as Cinderalla, and Khloe and Kourtney as the ugly stepsisters.  And I'm basically Drop Dead Fred; Cinderella makes me want to puke, and I think the ugly stepsisters are fucking great. I know they won't let me down- they are jealous, ugly, and conspiring. They'll give Kim the gift that says I know you're a major athlete-slut, but I love you anyways.  The only gift that makes sure you don't keep giving!  An STD test.  I'll bet E! doesn't offer health benefits, so Kimmy could probably use a prepaid appointment, especially after the Kardashian credit card bombed.  I have a feeling Kim K hands out the herp and the clap like an Armenian soda machine.  And these athlete chumps keep putting it in her hairless (and possibly radioactive) coin slot. Idiots. I am sure every one of those notches in her lipstick case will get a hair-removal kit for Xmas too. Kim don't want no disco hairdo below the belt. No happy trail either. It's no wonder she's foaming at the mouth for Justin Bieber.

The moral of the story? Don't give people you love a gift that implies they are hairy, ugly, or fat. It's not couth.  HOWEVER: Dirty is A- OK. Toiletries in the stockings! Toiletries under the tree!  Give out that soap, shampoo, and toothpaste like you're fucking Charlie Brown and they're Pig Pen.  I know I will. SHAMPOO FOR EVERYONE.  You're gonna use it and LIKE it. Besides, if I was a foul-scented scrub skank, I'd want someone to give me a remedy. Wouldn't you?

New Author At Best Tressed

  THAT'S RIGHT.  There are no blogging words to describe my excitement.  This all started with my friend Mikey sending me HILARIOUS random facts via text.  I love them so much, I have decided to share my beloved Mikeyness with the rest of you.  Be grateful, because he's MY best guy friend and most girls are possessive and want to keep good men all to themselves.  I believe in sharing.  Thank my momma for that.

Introducing.....

 

Micheal Davis.  The only bald guy in the world who is badass enough to have a writing gig on a hair blog.  He's my favorite little pimp nugget and he fucking knows it.

Sometimes Barbers Have Bad Days Too

   Like, TODAY, for example.  I commute an hour to work.  This morning I decided to stop for coffee at a gas station 5 minutes away from the shop.  I get out of the car with a MAJOR wedgie and reach in to free that sucker. (don't act all smug.  like you wouldn't pick a painful wedgie.)  And my hand goes completely through my pants.  I had a giant hole in the crotch and didn't even fucking notice.  And these weren't no wide-leg trousers; these were skinny pants.  I could have given birth through this goddamn hole, it was that big.

  I can't very well drive 55 min home to change pants, plus there's no clean ones there anyways.  I show up at work and explain the situation to my 90-year old boss, and he suggests gorilla glue.  Gorilla glue?  He gorilla- glued a tomtom to his dash and ever since has been gorilla glue-ing everything.  One of these days I'm going to go sit on the can and they'll be gorilla glue on it and I'll be stuck.  I know it.  No, I tell him.  These are expensive pants and I would prefer not to gorilla glue them.  I'll just go buy some new pants.

  One hour later, I got me some bootilicious Michael Kors slacks.  Mr. Kors understands that size 4 legs plus a size 10 ass equals a size 6.  Why don't other designers get that?  I go back to work and ......hop about the place turn my swag on. Pay no attention to them haters cuz we whip em off and we ain't doing nothing wrong.  So don't tell me nothing, i'm just tryna have fun.  So keep the party jumpin.  I whip my hair back and forth.  Hells to the yes!









Jimmy Fallon is the ish.  Many thanks to my girl Lynnsey for sending me this.  Totally cheered me up.  Now if only the clock would move faster, because I need to go home and suck off a bottle of wine like I'm a whore and it's my fucking job.  Thank GOD tomorrow is Friday!

My Wal-Mart Makeup Experience

 Truth is... I am poor.  Yes I do hair, and I have a full clientele, but I have a house full of kids and animals that suck me dry.  Which is why I buy my makeup at Wal-mart.  I usually bring my empty container with me, so I can buy the same exact thing (unless they discontinue it...grrr!) and not get lost in aisles of crappy products made from boiled animal fat and bat poo*


   *Gross, huh? Makeup ingredients is a whole 'nother topic for a whole 'nother day...
    

  Anyways, last night, my girlfriend and I were doing some shopping at our favorite Biddeford Wal-mart after I worked a gruelng 11 hour workday on my feet.  I'm going to go ahead and blame it on fatigue; I decided to stray from my normal makeup regime and try some new crappy makeup.  Lo and behold, I find a diamond in the rough.  A rose among thorns.  It is by Maybelline.  GEL EYELINER.

   Best fucking 9 dollars I have ever spent.  I have oily eyelids, so liquid gets all funky.  I also rub my eyes a lot, so kohl pencils get all smudgey and not in that 'I've got a smokey, smudgey eye' kind of way.  I SLEPT with this stuff on to see if it would really last with my face in a pillow all night.  It did.  I even showered this morning and washed my face, and my eyeliner still looks amazing.  I'll obv. remove it tonight to re-apply it tomorrow morning, but STILL.  This is the closest to tattooed eyeliner you are ever going to come.  It goes on almost effortlessly with a perfectly crafted little makeup brush.  I love it.  Thank you, Maybelline for finally making a product that rocks my socks off.  My eyeliner routine will never be the same.

  Now for my shitty purchase of the evening of which I have returned.  Revlon Beyond Natural Blush and Bronzer combo.

     When A BLUSH or BRONZER says "NATURAL" on the label, I going to assume that it is made of NATURAL INGREDIENTS.  Not that it isn't going to even SHOW UP and look like I didn't use anything on my face at all. Blushers and bronzers are used for contouring; They need to be several shades darker/brighter than your skin tone and then blended for proper shading.  I googled this Revlon shit online, and it actually got decent reviews... which baffles me to no end.  I just don't get it?  Why the fuck would you spend money on shit that doesn't do anything at all? Why even bother investing the precious morning-time putting on makeup that doesn't do what makeup is supposed to do? All the while this stuff will make a mess of your bathroom counter as it is very dusty and goes everywhere!

 The name and product combination SOUNDS genius- get your blush and bronzer in the same place, mix them together if you want, use the same brush on them... all around a great concept.  Too bad the reality of Revlon Blush & Bronzer combo is about as USEFUL as tits on a nun.  Pity.

Xtina and Snooki Create New Ethnicity....

    ...Call me bigoted, call me racist, call me whatever you want, because I am gonna judge you by your skin color. If I see some chick with a spray tan the color of napalm, I put her into a stereotype. ORANGE. Orange people are usually whores of the worst kind.  Snooki, Donatella Versace, Christina Aguilera... all repeat offenders of aforementioned stereotype. They look like radioactive glow-trolls, polluting red carpets everywhere. 

  It's happened to many of us before, we've gotten sprayed or o.d.'d on some of that Jergens gradual tan crap and chicka chicka BOOM BOOM! We look like fucking traffic cones. My professional, licensed advice?  DO SOMETHING about it! Don't just strut around with our fluorescent legs that glow like 2 orange glow sticks at a rave.  Don't walk around town with tangerine cleave like you're the hottest thing since Britney was barely on the rag and got a boob job.  Hop in the nearest shower and exfoliate that shit off.  Washcloths work wonders.  Everyone owns a damn washcloth. Everyone.  Add a  little cleanser with hydroxy acid or citric acid= problem solved.

  Here's some tips to prevent that fake bake look.
Moisturize before self or spray tanning.  Use a heavier/thicker lotion on wrists, knuckles, elbows, knees, and ankles.
  If you don't have a base tan or are a tanning amateur, start with a lighter formula.  Especially in the winter months.  You want your tan to be believable.
   Get some bronzer powder that is a reddish base or brown base.  Dust powder on your decollete and shoulders to add dimension. What a lot of people don't understand (even celeb makeup artists) is that spray tans generally look flat.  Even if the esthetician contours you at first, that contour fades.  Natural tans are usually darker in certain places and less even.  Imagine where the sun hits you most, and add bronzer there.  This will keep your steaze from screaming "I am a skanky tangerine."

Orange you glad we had this talk?