This Post Doesn't Really Pertain To Hair, But Oh Fucking Well!

  Why am I blogging at 12:30 AM on a Saturday night/Sunday morning?  Well it all started with the idiot that built my house.  Didn't caulk any edges around the bath tub, didn't finish any of the knotty pine wood walls in my bathroom, and a whole plethora of other stupid things that basically rotted my bathroom over time.  Yum.  So, your favorite barberess has turned home-improvement-dipshit for the weekend.  I've been sanding, pulling away rotted wood, priming, painting, caulking, chain-smoking (I don't smoke, by the way.  I get grossed out by people who do), snorting DND coffee, and sucking down adult beverages.

  While I was priming with B-I-N (shellac based, LETHAL stuff) my brush stiffened up and split like an old cigar stub!  Decided to soak that one in paint thinner, tried another one, SAME GODDAMN THING!  My mom hooked me up with some high quality brushes, they shouldn't be crapping out on me. Several soakings and cleanings later, the brushes are still splitting like Bobby and Whitney... Ike and Tina... Sienna and Jude... you get the picture.

  I'm racking my brain.  Brush bristles are made of the same protein as hair, if they're the quality ones.  Vinegar is a great at-home remedy to smooth and calm the cuticle of hair, so why not brushes?  I put a saucepan on the stove, add some water, vinegar, and baking soda.  I boil the brushes, softly stirring them.  Alternating that and a few cold water rinses to get excess primer out, my brushes are soft and good as new. Took me 10 minutes.  Here's the recipe.  If you're a DIY dipshit like me because you're too fucking cheap and broke to hire a pro, I swear it will come in handy.

1.5 cups water
1.5 cups white vinegar
a shit ton of baking soda

boil for a few, cold water rinse, boil for a few, cold water rinse til the brush looks new again.  
You're fucking welcome.

Hairodynamics Of A Successful Haircut

  When you gotsta look fresh to death, a haircut is necessary.  How many times have you walked into a barbershop or salon with an idea in your head of what you want and then walked out with something totally different?  We as stylists never want to give you a haircut you dislike, but you start throwing around haircut jargon and hair gestures and then we are left to decipher.  Sometimes I feel more like a psychic than a barber. I often try to read the mind/personality/lifestyle instead of decoding; I am not fluent in the language whatthefuckareyoutryingtosayish, sorry.

 My personal favorite? "I just want my hair to do this {hand gesture} in the morning."  Shit baffles me every time.  It's the equivalent of going to a dingy Pizza Hut and saying, "Uh, ya, Hi, I'll have a pie with stuff on it." and making a hand gesture that you think looks like a pepperoni.  Could be a meatball.  A mushroom, perhaps.  Oh, but you meant sausage. Totally should have known you love sausages coming in here dressed like a fruit booter.

   Short, long, tapered, layered, faded, high-and-tight, angled...  all mean different things to different people.  Even among stylists.  Avoid these terms all together.  They can get lost in translation.  You come in my chair and say, "I'll have a high and tight," and I'ma make you ready for Parris Island.  Trust.  If I skin it any tighter, you'll see blood, possibly cranium.  Yet, you go see the luscious-hot girl who works at the trendy salon downtown and you ask her for that, you'll come out looking like David Beckham.  Here is a guide to a successful haircut. No matter where you go for your hairscaping needs.

1) Bring a motherfucking picture.   Motherfucking is added for extra emphasis.   Swears work wonders for catching one's attention.  What was I talking about again?  Oh, yeah, the picture.  MOST IMPORTANT.  You all have cameras on your mobile devices, take a fucking picture when you get a good haircut and lock that shit so you don't accidentally delete it.  Or take a pic of your friend's haircut.  Or a celeb's hairstyle on the computer.  Whatever's clever.  Just bring a picture of what you want.

  
  Why?  Because all of us stylists are visual. Precisely why we aren't lawyers, doctors, or fucking physicists.  We make shit look like other shit.  Sometimes we come up with new shit, but our new shit looks like other shit anyhow.  We need to SEE what kind of shit you want.  You want the "Posh Spice"?  Which one?  She's had like 3758937529 hairstyles since last Tuesday.



2) When in doubt, ask for an opinion. Will  Keith Urban hair look like a mullet? Do you think I'd look good with bangs?  Do I have enough hair for this hairstyle?  Ask us anything.  We are a bank of style knowledge. We'll tell you that you'll look gay with those highlights.  We'll tell you that if you cut your hair like Meg Ryan, you'll look more like Kelly Osbourne 4 years ago.  All you have to do is ask.  We aren't going to tell you these things unless you ask. 


3) If you think we are doing it wrong, stop us.  No one likes to be told how to do their job, but it's YOUR hair.  If we are doing something that doesn't seem quite right, tell us.  Don't be afraid to offend us.  Yes, we have scissors, but I swear we don't bite.  Maybe we misinterpreted something.  Or maybe we are doing it different than the last chick.  It's worth it to stop us so we can correct what we are/aren't doing or at least explain  what we are doing to your hair and how it correlates to the desired result.  Don't be scared or shy.

4) Once someone gets it right, stick with 'em. Kind of like how I will only eat burritos from Chipotle.  They make them so good, I will never stray.  Same idea with the girl who cuts my hair (sorry, Steph.  I think I just compared you to a burrito.)  I see her and her only!  She knows exactly how I like it. When I want to switch it up a bit, she knows what will work with my lifestyle/ hair type.  Once you get in a groove with someone, you can bypass all these damn rules and live happily ever after.  Like Cinderella.  Or me.  The end.

How To: Hit On Your Stylist

  A little history on my career: I work in a military barbershop.  About 99.9%  of my clientele are male.  I'd like to think of myself as pretty learn-ed on monkey lines and body languages because of this experience.  Even while wearing a wedding ring, it still happens to me.  Although it's flattering, I usually am also cringing at the poorly executed deliverance.  I'd like to give a little guidance to you loyal male customers on how to woo your stylist. Or atleast not look like a desperate douchebag.

  First and foremost, I want you to look down at the skin on your hand.  Is it tan or brown?  Do your ancestors hail from the great continent of Africa?  How about Mexico?  Dominican Republic? Haiti? Are you a freakin' Puerto Rican? If not, you already have a strike against you.  Most of us freaky bitches behind the chair love men of color.  However stereotypical it may sound, it's the truth.

  Next, sniff your underarm.  Did you put on deodorant this morning?  Perhaps some cologne?  Good.  Did you wash behind your ears?  Clean them with a q-tip?  Yes, we notice your true hygeine habits when cutting your hair.  We aren't going to date/bang any sloptart that sits in out chair. Sometimes the guys that drive the nicest cars, have the best jobs, and are the best looking have the GROSSEST ear area.   I am literally gagging while trimming around those ears.  yechkk.  Gagging now.

  Now, does your stylist have a husband?  Fiance?  Boyfriend?  DO NOT HIT ON HER.  I mean, you can tell her she looks nice, you like that top on her, she reminds you of Vanessa Hudgens, whatever.  Compliments are ok, requesting dates, suggesting sex, or just generally being skeazy is NOT.

  The best way to go about this (if you're ready) is to compliment her. Compliment her on something she least expects.  Maybe her eyes, her hair, or her voice.  Complimenting her on her bangin' physique, her chesticular region, or her junk in the trunk is NOT a good idea.  Here are some terrible lines I've gotten before:

"Your hair is nice.  It's like the color of chocolate milk."
"You're top heavy.  I like that."
"You smell like cookies."
"What's your sign?  Leo?  You ain't Lion (lyin)"
"Touch my bicep.  I waterski barefoot."
"I make a six figure salary."

Don't brag about yourself.  Major turn off and just generally annoying.  Besides, it's not about you, it's about HER.  Remember that.

  Next, leave you card or just a paper with your number on it after you pay for your cut.  Make sure you tip her well.  Don't be stingy.  Tell her you'd love to hear from her.  Then exit promptly.

  If you are too much of a pussy to follow the steps above, sending flowers with a number after you get a cut that same day is ok too.  Even the next day.  Just don't wait too long after, because she may not remember you.


 See, easy as easy mac!  Now, here are the denials that may occur:

1) You are ignored. Don't take it personal. You can still go to her for haircuts.  I guarantee you are not the first one she's turned down  and you won't be the last.  Let it go.

2) "I don't date clients."  She's LYING.  Typically, dating the clients is frowned upon.  However, if one strikes us as a worthy partner, we break this rule. The translation? "I'm not interested."

3) "I'm seeing someone." She may or may not be lying.  Doesn't matter.  Not ganna happen.

Good luck, men.  You have good taste.  Hairdressers might be a little crazy in the head, but we have big hearts, great conversation, and we keep ourselves lookin' fly.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION

 We all have them.  Who are you kidding.  You ain't perfect; there must be something lots of things you could improve.  For me, obv it's all about the hair.  My resolutions are:
1) to take better care of my hair... and
2) not be such a color whore.

   By taking better care of my hair, I mean not taking scalding heat to it any more than once a week with the flat iron or curling iron.
  And by not being a color whore, I mean keeping my strawberry blonde color for a WHOLE ENTIRE year.  That will be the hardest one of all because I love new colors like Paris H. loves the cock.  I go into the distributor and come out with a handful of new colors like Mo'nique goes into a Cumby's and comes out with twinkies and ho-hos.  It's a sick, sad addiction.  I hope you, the readers, can be my voice of reason if I try to stray.  I need to stay on track.  I am counting on YOU to give me a slap crost ma lips via nasty comments on here if I even MENTION changing colors.  Yeah, I mean YOU.  Happy New year, kids.

Oh yea the Blog....

Hey there Tressers!

So after a long week of vacations, holidays, and a new year we are back with a new round of Random!
ok so seeing as you missed it ill get right to it and get back on it tomorrow.

Fact: When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate; they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
Looks like there is a thin line between love and hate

Late!
Mikey D

Hair Nets: Not Just For Lunch Ladies

  As my hair gets longer, I have different struggles with it and need to come up with different solutions.  One of the biggest problems I've encountered is sleeping with long hair.  If I wear my hair down to sleep, it gets all tangled and makes my neck and back break out.  If I wear it up in a ponytail to sleep, I get a kink in it from the elastic.  Even if I do a bun.  Then I end up needing to iron out the kink with a curling or flat iron.

 I remember back to wearing braids, back in my Bo Derek days, I had to wear a stretchy silk scarf to bed to keep my braids intact.  I went down to my Sally Beauty Supply to find something similar.  I wanted something that was loose enough to keep my big-barreled waves all night, not so tight that they flattened out.  The store clerk recommended this:

  I tucked all my hair up inside this surprisingly sturdy net to get my lunch lady on.  My husband even said it didn't look "that bad."  It was so comfortable, I forgot I was wearing it before I even fell asleep.  It kept my hair off my back, neck, and face all night, even through my incessant tossing and turning.  I took the net off this morning, brushed my bangs forward, and voila! My perfect big curls from my rollers were still perfect.

Now, why the hell didn't someone tell me how badly I need to touch up my highlights in the back?  Guess I should look back there more often....

  But yes, I am hooked.  This is a perfect way to keep your blow-out for days.  $2.50 at your local Sally Beauty Supply for a sturdy, handmade net of goodness.  

Let's go Greyhound

Yes there is a pole in my kitchen, not its not for strippers, if for Festivus! Happy Festivus everyone! Now on this joyous day many of you will have "the airing of grievances" and one may be your fear of flying during the holidays. The "what if the plane goes down" fear, well don't fear the plane, FEAR THE DONKEY!

FACT:More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes!

I'm off for some Festivus "feats of strength" like killing the leg press at planet fitness

Festivus for the rest of us
Mikey D