How To: Hit On Your Stylist

  A little history on my career: I work in a military barbershop.  About 99.9%  of my clientele are male.  I'd like to think of myself as pretty learn-ed on monkey lines and body languages because of this experience.  Even while wearing a wedding ring, it still happens to me.  Although it's flattering, I usually am also cringing at the poorly executed deliverance.  I'd like to give a little guidance to you loyal male customers on how to woo your stylist. Or atleast not look like a desperate douchebag.

  First and foremost, I want you to look down at the skin on your hand.  Is it tan or brown?  Do your ancestors hail from the great continent of Africa?  How about Mexico?  Dominican Republic? Haiti? Are you a freakin' Puerto Rican? If not, you already have a strike against you.  Most of us freaky bitches behind the chair love men of color.  However stereotypical it may sound, it's the truth.

  Next, sniff your underarm.  Did you put on deodorant this morning?  Perhaps some cologne?  Good.  Did you wash behind your ears?  Clean them with a q-tip?  Yes, we notice your true hygeine habits when cutting your hair.  We aren't going to date/bang any sloptart that sits in out chair. Sometimes the guys that drive the nicest cars, have the best jobs, and are the best looking have the GROSSEST ear area.   I am literally gagging while trimming around those ears.  yechkk.  Gagging now.

  Now, does your stylist have a husband?  Fiance?  Boyfriend?  DO NOT HIT ON HER.  I mean, you can tell her she looks nice, you like that top on her, she reminds you of Vanessa Hudgens, whatever.  Compliments are ok, requesting dates, suggesting sex, or just generally being skeazy is NOT.

  The best way to go about this (if you're ready) is to compliment her. Compliment her on something she least expects.  Maybe her eyes, her hair, or her voice.  Complimenting her on her bangin' physique, her chesticular region, or her junk in the trunk is NOT a good idea.  Here are some terrible lines I've gotten before:

"Your hair is nice.  It's like the color of chocolate milk."
"You're top heavy.  I like that."
"You smell like cookies."
"What's your sign?  Leo?  You ain't Lion (lyin)"
"Touch my bicep.  I waterski barefoot."
"I make a six figure salary."

Don't brag about yourself.  Major turn off and just generally annoying.  Besides, it's not about you, it's about HER.  Remember that.

  Next, leave you card or just a paper with your number on it after you pay for your cut.  Make sure you tip her well.  Don't be stingy.  Tell her you'd love to hear from her.  Then exit promptly.

  If you are too much of a pussy to follow the steps above, sending flowers with a number after you get a cut that same day is ok too.  Even the next day.  Just don't wait too long after, because she may not remember you.


 See, easy as easy mac!  Now, here are the denials that may occur:

1) You are ignored. Don't take it personal. You can still go to her for haircuts.  I guarantee you are not the first one she's turned down  and you won't be the last.  Let it go.

2) "I don't date clients."  She's LYING.  Typically, dating the clients is frowned upon.  However, if one strikes us as a worthy partner, we break this rule. The translation? "I'm not interested."

3) "I'm seeing someone." She may or may not be lying.  Doesn't matter.  Not ganna happen.

Good luck, men.  You have good taste.  Hairdressers might be a little crazy in the head, but we have big hearts, great conversation, and we keep ourselves lookin' fly.