Hairodynamics Of A Successful Haircut

  When you gotsta look fresh to death, a haircut is necessary.  How many times have you walked into a barbershop or salon with an idea in your head of what you want and then walked out with something totally different?  We as stylists never want to give you a haircut you dislike, but you start throwing around haircut jargon and hair gestures and then we are left to decipher.  Sometimes I feel more like a psychic than a barber. I often try to read the mind/personality/lifestyle instead of decoding; I am not fluent in the language whatthefuckareyoutryingtosayish, sorry.

 My personal favorite? "I just want my hair to do this {hand gesture} in the morning."  Shit baffles me every time.  It's the equivalent of going to a dingy Pizza Hut and saying, "Uh, ya, Hi, I'll have a pie with stuff on it." and making a hand gesture that you think looks like a pepperoni.  Could be a meatball.  A mushroom, perhaps.  Oh, but you meant sausage. Totally should have known you love sausages coming in here dressed like a fruit booter.

   Short, long, tapered, layered, faded, high-and-tight, angled...  all mean different things to different people.  Even among stylists.  Avoid these terms all together.  They can get lost in translation.  You come in my chair and say, "I'll have a high and tight," and I'ma make you ready for Parris Island.  Trust.  If I skin it any tighter, you'll see blood, possibly cranium.  Yet, you go see the luscious-hot girl who works at the trendy salon downtown and you ask her for that, you'll come out looking like David Beckham.  Here is a guide to a successful haircut. No matter where you go for your hairscaping needs.

1) Bring a motherfucking picture.   Motherfucking is added for extra emphasis.   Swears work wonders for catching one's attention.  What was I talking about again?  Oh, yeah, the picture.  MOST IMPORTANT.  You all have cameras on your mobile devices, take a fucking picture when you get a good haircut and lock that shit so you don't accidentally delete it.  Or take a pic of your friend's haircut.  Or a celeb's hairstyle on the computer.  Whatever's clever.  Just bring a picture of what you want.

  
  Why?  Because all of us stylists are visual. Precisely why we aren't lawyers, doctors, or fucking physicists.  We make shit look like other shit.  Sometimes we come up with new shit, but our new shit looks like other shit anyhow.  We need to SEE what kind of shit you want.  You want the "Posh Spice"?  Which one?  She's had like 3758937529 hairstyles since last Tuesday.



2) When in doubt, ask for an opinion. Will  Keith Urban hair look like a mullet? Do you think I'd look good with bangs?  Do I have enough hair for this hairstyle?  Ask us anything.  We are a bank of style knowledge. We'll tell you that you'll look gay with those highlights.  We'll tell you that if you cut your hair like Meg Ryan, you'll look more like Kelly Osbourne 4 years ago.  All you have to do is ask.  We aren't going to tell you these things unless you ask. 


3) If you think we are doing it wrong, stop us.  No one likes to be told how to do their job, but it's YOUR hair.  If we are doing something that doesn't seem quite right, tell us.  Don't be afraid to offend us.  Yes, we have scissors, but I swear we don't bite.  Maybe we misinterpreted something.  Or maybe we are doing it different than the last chick.  It's worth it to stop us so we can correct what we are/aren't doing or at least explain  what we are doing to your hair and how it correlates to the desired result.  Don't be scared or shy.

4) Once someone gets it right, stick with 'em. Kind of like how I will only eat burritos from Chipotle.  They make them so good, I will never stray.  Same idea with the girl who cuts my hair (sorry, Steph.  I think I just compared you to a burrito.)  I see her and her only!  She knows exactly how I like it. When I want to switch it up a bit, she knows what will work with my lifestyle/ hair type.  Once you get in a groove with someone, you can bypass all these damn rules and live happily ever after.  Like Cinderella.  Or me.  The end.