Dear Jennifer Lopez,

  You have been wearing hairpieces and extensions since the late 90's.  It is now 2010.  Maybe it's time to stop so you can grow out this breakage-mullet and the bald spots you have. 
 
   Habitual extension-wearers in Hollywood bug the shit out of me.  I mean, if you have an afro, I understand. (Look how much better Mel B. a.k.a. "Scary Spice" lookes with her weave)  But if you're just too impatient like Jenny here to leave the weave out long enough for your hair to grow back, chances are I hate you.  I wanna yank your super-expensive-virgin-Indian-hair-that someone-grew-and-cut-off-so that-they-could-feed-their-kids right the hell off your head. I wish we used that beautiful hair they grow on people that need it, like people going through chemo.  Not J-Lo.

  Look at her most recently on American Idol.  I mean, yes, her hair is nice to look at.  Whoever took hours to curl and apply those extensions to make the first picture here into the second is a fucking hair god(dess).  But after a decade plus of these tired, honey colored weaves that leave you with breakage and bald spots, maybe it's time to embrace the trendsetting diva that you are and start a new trend.  REAL hair.  Like, real as in, YOUR OWN.  Cuz I ain't fooled by the locks that you got.

 And this look doesn't really work for you either unless you're a goodwill ambassador to Muslim countries, like Angelina.  Which you are not.  You're Jenny from the block.

Beyonscam Knowles

If you're like me, you're obsessed with celebrity hair.  When Jen Aniston layered her hair, I layered mine too.  When Kerri Russell cut off all her curls, I did too.  When Jennifer Lopez debuted her songs on MTV with her long extensions, I got extensions too.  And when Posh took her extensions out and got that angled bob, I did the same.  Maybe I'm more like infatuated.

  Someone who's been a hair chameleon who I've always admired is none other than R&B diva Beyonce.  Her hair is so long and thick.  Sometimes it's dark; sometimes it's light.  Then I saw this hair disaster.

What is she doing with those mutton chops?

I investigated! She doesn't actually have sideburns. She's wearing a wig.  It's called a "lace front" which makes it look like the hair is actually growing from her head.  Under her wig, her hair is natural and is rarely touched.  As a white girl from Maine, I cannot really comprehend the struggles of dealing with styling ethnic hair. I imagine it's difficult, but really, a wig? 

L'oreal had her model her wig for their HAIRCOLOR ad, shown here

So fucked up. Like, buy this feria haircolor that we used to color Beyonce's horse hair wig.

 And finally, does she take off her wig before getting it on with her husband, Jay-z?  or maybe they have imposed a no-hair-pulling rule?  Either way, I feel cheated.  But the good news is, if you want hair like Beyonce, you can order your lace front wig online.  Amazon.com carries them.  If my husband starts having a Beyonce fetish, I just might order one and impose a temporary no-hair-pulling rule.  And make him call me "Sasha."