Before There Were Gift Cards...

 Back in the good old days before you had to type a stupid code to get free shipping.  Before you had to lug around a purse the size of an Olsen twin for all your goddamn shaw's cards and shit.
 Back then, your mailman had to be a former UFC fighter so that he could carry and deliver the dozens of Bible-sized catologs to your hizouse. Then you tipped him and wished him a MERRY CHRISTMAS, none of that PC 'happy holidays' bullshit. Back then, there were INFOMERCIALS on every commercial break.  Remember that?  Chances are, your Christmas wish list included something you had to be 18 years old to purchase over the phone. The coolest merchandise was sold primarily over the television.

Let's reminisce for a few moments.  Take some time to think about some of man's greatest hair-related innovations. Stuff you may have received Christmas' past. Probably purchased by C.O.D.

Top Coverage    The holiday favorite of bald Dads all across North America.  This product is still on the market and has a FIVE-STAR rating on Amazon.com. Who needs that Hair Club For Men or expensive toupees?  Just spray and go. My kind of shit right here.  Does this also cover white trash roots?  Shame it doesn't come in a strawberry blonde color..

Topsy Tail
 Hands down, best invention ever.  There is no other tool in the world that can take a plain jane ponytail and turn it into a fabulous hairdo that looks like an ass-crack.  Every girl in the world had one. I loved looking through the little book of hairstyles that came with it.  I rocked every one of 'em.  Actually, I still own my Topsy Tail and still use it. 

See photographic evidence above- taken today.





Wahl Doodle Clipper 

 A battery-operated clipper that looks/sounds like a glow in the dark dildo and can cut designs into your hair.  The blade is shaped like a unicorn, very user friendly.  Perfect for doing lazer lines, shaving a part into your hair, or even trimming around your rat-tail.  Silly old me is shaving designs into my client's head with a traditional clipper.  Shit would have been way easier with big yellow up there.  I might buy one. And yes, they still make these.  God bless Amazon.com!

The Flowbee 

A dual purpose machine well worth the 100 bucks it costs.  Not only does it cut hair, but it sucks demons out of children.  See photo above.  I kind of use on of these at the barbershop.  I have a vacuum attached to my Oster clipper.  But let me tell you, that precise haircut claim on the Flowbee box is bogus.  If you don't know what you are doing, you'll cut moles off people's heads and they'll bleed everywhere like a Rob Zombie movie. True story.

And lastly, the most recent Infomercial phenomenon is the Bump-It.  Pin-up-girl hair in 5 minutes or less without needing 4 cans of aqua net.  I think many a teenage daughter received one of these for Christmas last year... along with Dunkin Donuts gift cards and UGG boots. 

 I don't know about you, but my big hair goes flat after I drink a bit.  It also goes flat after a few minutes chasing my kids around.  Maybe I need a BUMP-IT too, cuz Amy Winehouse's hair is still as big as Star Jones' old ass, and she's drinking PLUS taking care of a baby.  Good advertising right there.