Merry Fucking Christmas, Ya Gorilla!

  As the sole member of my family still actively in the hair/image industry, I have been known to put hair products under the tree.  I especially like to give shampoo, not because my relatives are greasy, but because it is something everyone uses.  I have a cousin who is a dental hygeinist and has given out cool little flosser thingies before.  Great idea too because everyone flosses (or if you don't floss your breath smells like hot rubbish, so you damn well should.)

  Well, leave to Kim Kardashian to cross the line.  She will be giving out laser hair removal kits for Christmas.  Nothing says Merry Christmas like a gift that insinuates that you look like a hairy gorilla.  Or in Khloe's case, Big Foot.

 I think of Kim as Cinderalla, and Khloe and Kourtney as the ugly stepsisters.  And I'm basically Drop Dead Fred; Cinderella makes me want to puke, and I think the ugly stepsisters are fucking great. I know they won't let me down- they are jealous, ugly, and conspiring. They'll give Kim the gift that says I know you're a major athlete-slut, but I love you anyways.  The only gift that makes sure you don't keep giving!  An STD test.  I'll bet E! doesn't offer health benefits, so Kimmy could probably use a prepaid appointment, especially after the Kardashian credit card bombed.  I have a feeling Kim K hands out the herp and the clap like an Armenian soda machine.  And these athlete chumps keep putting it in her hairless (and possibly radioactive) coin slot. Idiots. I am sure every one of those notches in her lipstick case will get a hair-removal kit for Xmas too. Kim don't want no disco hairdo below the belt. No happy trail either. It's no wonder she's foaming at the mouth for Justin Bieber.

The moral of the story? Don't give people you love a gift that implies they are hairy, ugly, or fat. It's not couth.  HOWEVER: Dirty is A- OK. Toiletries in the stockings! Toiletries under the tree!  Give out that soap, shampoo, and toothpaste like you're fucking Charlie Brown and they're Pig Pen.  I know I will. SHAMPOO FOR EVERYONE.  You're gonna use it and LIKE it. Besides, if I was a foul-scented scrub skank, I'd want someone to give me a remedy. Wouldn't you?